I have been having trouble with food this week: not wanting to eat, not wanting to eat anything in the house, not wanting to go out to get anything to eat.  It all seems like it's too much to bother with.  I've also had days where I go too long before eating, and subsequently go a little crazy with some sort of disordered thinking.  Usually it's depression/apathy, but sometimes it's anger.  Today was the latter.

Day 29:

I was determined to go down to the garage and empty a box this morning, after spending most of it lounging in bed.  I grabbed a food bar and sent D off to get himself some doughnuts in Pismo for National Doughnut day, asking him not to bring back any for me.  But he asked me what my favorite doughnut was, and I launched into a detailed description (devil's food with chocolate frosting and nuts). Kind of futile since I don't eat them much anymore, but I could practically taste it.  And so I went into the garage, and started getting angry over nothing.  Found an accessible box and started digging in to it. It had been filled, and then turned upside down. Grrr.  It was a box full of random stuff: shoeboxes (with shoes in them), craft supplies, a box of scarves, some Halloween decorations. I sorted most of it, deciding to transfer some of it into another (smaller) box for another day, some to my closet upstairs, some recycling, and several things to go away.  But then I started getting frustrated trying to find a box, because there was other stuff in the way.  And then I was obsessed with getting some slats from blinds that had been left in the garage when we'd moved in, and stuff got piled on top of it. (Ok, just the bicycles, but I needed the slats to go.)  And one of our better carpets had been folded up and tossed on the ground, which contributed to the anger.  I swept the garage floor so I could roll it up instead of leaving it folded.

As I was rolling that carpet up correctly, D rolled up, and I think I'd been going a bit fractal for a while.  I somehow managed to let him know I wanted the blinds to go, even though I was waffling about whether they should be trashed or recycled. Then we "discussed" placing the nice carpet, with a lot of fuss from me. D asked if he should take it up to the balcony in front of the door so he could vacuum it and then bring it in. Of course I had to demand that it happen this weekend.  And when I went upstairs, I saw he'd dropped it without sweeping and I started getting angrier. And this is the point at which I realized I was going down the rabbit hole.  I had to finish the box, because going fractal means me getting obsessive, and luckily I was almost done with the damned thing.    I kept thinking to myself, just finish, then food. Went upstairs and made scrambled eggs since I haven't gotten the hang of making an omelet on the electric stove yet, which calmed me down almost immediately

Today's items:

An old backpack that I'd found outside my apartment before I'd started dating D.
A papercrafting item, the prize from a kid's meal at a fast food restaurant, still lovingly preserved in the original plastic wrapper.
A couple of gift bows that had obviously been used and stored to be reused.
A tiny pinky ring, probably from a vending machine.
A pair of baby teething toys (from my days as a wanna-be raver back in the 90's).
A lime green padded zippered pouch.  It's so my color! My best friend gave it to me! I've never used it!
A black square yard scarf.  I've probably used it a few times, but it's itchy.
Two identical scarves, one in pastel pink, the other in pastel green. (Really, past me? Pastels? Pastels look awful on me.)
A set of four cardboard coasters with Star Trek ships on them. I'm not sure if I should claim these as they were D's, but when he said he didn't want them my hoarder brain wanted me to grab them and hold them and love them and keep them forever.  (Shut up, Charlotte!)  Putting them in the Go-Away box was an act of will.


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Cyrano de Univac

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