I did not flake out today.  I almost did, but I didn't flake.  I had arranged to carpool down to Santa Maria for the Bernie Sanders rally, and I had a mini panic attack about going while I was walking down the hallway last night .  I kept clicking over to FB messages to let the driver know he didn't have to stop for me, and then clicking back away.  Last night was an exercise in distracting myself for long enough to click away from the message page.  My brain wouldn't really let me leave it alone, so eventually I would click back.  I managed a good long distraction by dying my hair.  It's been months and my two-inch roots have been unsettling me for a while.  Grooming is about self-care and I haven't felt like doing it for a long while.  Because self-care is for other people.  

At least I got to bed at a relatively early hour.  When I woke up this morning (at seven sharp!) my panic levels were still at a simmer. Thanks to my slowly rising anxiety levels, I was ready to go an hour and a half early.  I had to keep talking myself out of talking myself out of going.  I finally asked myself out loud "What is the worst that could happen?"  I immediately came up with the sun exploding, which is inherently ridiculous.  Then I asked what was the next worst thing that could happen.  A witnessing a successful assassination attempt (also ridiculously unlikely).  After a few more goes with the ridiculous, I ventured into more realistic territory.  The worst likely thing was that we would get turned away at the door because we'd gotten there too late, and we'd all go out to lunch.

Letting someone else drive was hard.  Letting someone else dictate the time we set out was hard.  Being around all those people was hard.  Speech was worth being there for though. And the sun didn't blow up.  At least not all of it all at once.

Day 23:

While I was looking for appropriate cargo pants, I encountered yet another pair of Joe Boxer pajama trousers, another clothing exchange item, that I had torn at some point trying to get my fat ass into.  I'm not going to repair them.  I need to stop letting myself settle for broken things because I think they're all I deserve in life.
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Cyrano de Univac

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