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1. Dear Eric: I (64) have a sibling from whom I distance myself, but he (77) keeps poking the bear. We have never been close, and I have no desire to tolerate his insults.
He always had digs, nasty comments, insults. I would walk away and avoid him until he left. As years went by, I avoided him, but our mom would always insist on a family dinner. Now he was good at saving face, no comments when mom or other family members were around but the moment we were stuck in the same room, insults flew.
I was a constant support for my mom until she passed. I figured I was done with him, too. Well now he’s trying to reach out to me. I have responded with “not gonna happen” and I wrote out all the grievances with details. Now he's been whining to my other brother (70) that I'm mean to him and does not understand why I hate him. Brother #2 had no idea this was happening in my life. I explained to #2 and gave a few excerpts, ones that really hurt. How can I get past this?
– No Longer Insulted
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2. Dear Eric: Twenty years ago, my husband’s brother and his wife let us know they were going no contact with us. They said it was permanent. When we asked the reasons, we heard we are insensitive and had hurt their feelings beyond repair.
They stopped contact between us and their 3-year-old son and their baby at that time. They said contact with us would damage their children. Attempts to apologize to them for offenses we barely understand didn’t work.
Five years ago, at a family wedding, my brother-in-law spoke with my husband but snubbed me to my face. He wouldn’t even say hello. Now another family wedding is scheduled next year. I have developed close relationships with others in the extended family but dread dealing with these relatives again. I’m thinking of simply saying hello if I see them and letting it go at that. Any advice will be taken to heart, I am struggling and it’s a year away.
– Contact with No Contact
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3. Dear Eric: My son is turning 40 on December 22. My husband and I are at a quandary as to how to celebrate him.
There have been issues between my husband and him over things from his childhood. We did a special trip for his older brother when he turned 40 and would like to do something special for this son's 40th as well.
Our daughter-in-law has made special plans for him and we are not included. I understand that, but I need some ideas as to how to celebrate this extra special year without rocking the boat.
I love my son with all my heart, as I do all my children, and want his 40th birthday to be memorable in a positive way. Any suggestions?
– Mom Who Wants to Celebrate
( Read more... )
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4. Dear Eric: I've just turned 40 this past year. The last 15 years I was in a horrible drug addiction. I lied and hurt and did terrible things to a lot of people, especially my family.
About eight years ago they officially disowned me. Understandable.
I've cleaned up and got my act together six years ago. At first, I tried to force my way back into their lives, which all refuted. I lashed out, said horrible things and stopped trying to be in their lives. My mom will stop by on my birthday for 10 minutes or so and drop a card off at Christmas. As for my two older brothers and my father, it’s radio silence.
I guess what I'm asking is, what do I do to fix this and fast, as I said I've turned 40 this year, my parents are both 70. Time is running out, and I couldn't imagine living my life without some kind of acceptance from my father. Or knowing he did or does love me.
My heart breaks at the thought, but this is a real pickle. How can I fix a problem when the ones I need to fix it with won't talk to me? Do I just keep ignoring their existence and put on this façade that I don’t care to my wife and 4-year-old son? What picture am I painting to my son, as he's been guilty by association you could say as he has never spent time with his grandparents or uncles or even my nieces and nephews?
– Discombobulated
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5. Dear Annie: Almost 15 years ago, my older sister removed me from her life after a series of messy arguments. At the time, she just stopped taking my calls and waited for me to leave family functions before going. She told our three siblings and mother that she didn't want me in her life. She likely gave them reasons but never allowed anyone to tell me.
When she ghosted me, I was heartbroken. I bugged everyone for years, asking how she was, crying about how much I missed her. I made many attempts to reconnect that were met with silence or warnings from family that she was still angry at me, but no one could ever say for what.
A few times, she asked our oldest sister to bring my kids for her to see them without me or my husband. My husband refused because he has never met her. I agreed with him.
Recently, I came to the conclusion that my sister removing me from her life was a blessing. She was toxic, and our relationship is a long history of cruelty on her part and a lack of boundaries mixed with codependency on mine. I told our oldest sister just that.
Mere days after that conversation with my oldest sister, my estranged sister messaged my teenage children on social media. She told them she was their aunt and that just because she and I don't get along doesn't mean she shouldn't have a relationship with them.
I responded by telling her she made the choice 15 years ago that we aren't family, that it was a blessing and she needs to leave my kids alone. Then I blocked her on their accounts.
She responded by sending my husband -- who she's never met or spoken to -- a message for me and then blocking him. Her argument was that I had played the victim for 15 years, that I was hateful and didn't support her. She said that I was using my kids as leverage. She called me toxic and stated that she was disappointed I didn't make any efforts to know her kids. She also stated repeatedly that I had been talking badly about her to everyone during the last 15 years.
I am very confused at this point. I don't know what she's been told for 15 years about what I've said because no one has told me anything. If I am toxic, why would she want me to have a relationship with her kids?
I believe I'm doing the right thing by keeping my teenagers away from her because I know how she treated me throughout our childhood and young adult years. She is not a safe person.
My siblings, their spouses and kids all seem to love her and have great relationships with her. It feels like most of the time, though, that if I don't reach out to them, I don't hear from them at all.
I'm now questioning if I should remove my three siblings from my life, too, as it sounds like they have been telling her I'm saying things. They've also been completely complacent in her alienation of me. -- Confused in Kansas
( Read more... )
He always had digs, nasty comments, insults. I would walk away and avoid him until he left. As years went by, I avoided him, but our mom would always insist on a family dinner. Now he was good at saving face, no comments when mom or other family members were around but the moment we were stuck in the same room, insults flew.
I was a constant support for my mom until she passed. I figured I was done with him, too. Well now he’s trying to reach out to me. I have responded with “not gonna happen” and I wrote out all the grievances with details. Now he's been whining to my other brother (70) that I'm mean to him and does not understand why I hate him. Brother #2 had no idea this was happening in my life. I explained to #2 and gave a few excerpts, ones that really hurt. How can I get past this?
– No Longer Insulted
( Read more... )
2. Dear Eric: Twenty years ago, my husband’s brother and his wife let us know they were going no contact with us. They said it was permanent. When we asked the reasons, we heard we are insensitive and had hurt their feelings beyond repair.
They stopped contact between us and their 3-year-old son and their baby at that time. They said contact with us would damage their children. Attempts to apologize to them for offenses we barely understand didn’t work.
Five years ago, at a family wedding, my brother-in-law spoke with my husband but snubbed me to my face. He wouldn’t even say hello. Now another family wedding is scheduled next year. I have developed close relationships with others in the extended family but dread dealing with these relatives again. I’m thinking of simply saying hello if I see them and letting it go at that. Any advice will be taken to heart, I am struggling and it’s a year away.
– Contact with No Contact
( Read more... )
3. Dear Eric: My son is turning 40 on December 22. My husband and I are at a quandary as to how to celebrate him.
There have been issues between my husband and him over things from his childhood. We did a special trip for his older brother when he turned 40 and would like to do something special for this son's 40th as well.
Our daughter-in-law has made special plans for him and we are not included. I understand that, but I need some ideas as to how to celebrate this extra special year without rocking the boat.
I love my son with all my heart, as I do all my children, and want his 40th birthday to be memorable in a positive way. Any suggestions?
– Mom Who Wants to Celebrate
( Read more... )
4. Dear Eric: I've just turned 40 this past year. The last 15 years I was in a horrible drug addiction. I lied and hurt and did terrible things to a lot of people, especially my family.
About eight years ago they officially disowned me. Understandable.
I've cleaned up and got my act together six years ago. At first, I tried to force my way back into their lives, which all refuted. I lashed out, said horrible things and stopped trying to be in their lives. My mom will stop by on my birthday for 10 minutes or so and drop a card off at Christmas. As for my two older brothers and my father, it’s radio silence.
I guess what I'm asking is, what do I do to fix this and fast, as I said I've turned 40 this year, my parents are both 70. Time is running out, and I couldn't imagine living my life without some kind of acceptance from my father. Or knowing he did or does love me.
My heart breaks at the thought, but this is a real pickle. How can I fix a problem when the ones I need to fix it with won't talk to me? Do I just keep ignoring their existence and put on this façade that I don’t care to my wife and 4-year-old son? What picture am I painting to my son, as he's been guilty by association you could say as he has never spent time with his grandparents or uncles or even my nieces and nephews?
– Discombobulated
( Read more... )
5. Dear Annie: Almost 15 years ago, my older sister removed me from her life after a series of messy arguments. At the time, she just stopped taking my calls and waited for me to leave family functions before going. She told our three siblings and mother that she didn't want me in her life. She likely gave them reasons but never allowed anyone to tell me.
When she ghosted me, I was heartbroken. I bugged everyone for years, asking how she was, crying about how much I missed her. I made many attempts to reconnect that were met with silence or warnings from family that she was still angry at me, but no one could ever say for what.
A few times, she asked our oldest sister to bring my kids for her to see them without me or my husband. My husband refused because he has never met her. I agreed with him.
Recently, I came to the conclusion that my sister removing me from her life was a blessing. She was toxic, and our relationship is a long history of cruelty on her part and a lack of boundaries mixed with codependency on mine. I told our oldest sister just that.
Mere days after that conversation with my oldest sister, my estranged sister messaged my teenage children on social media. She told them she was their aunt and that just because she and I don't get along doesn't mean she shouldn't have a relationship with them.
I responded by telling her she made the choice 15 years ago that we aren't family, that it was a blessing and she needs to leave my kids alone. Then I blocked her on their accounts.
She responded by sending my husband -- who she's never met or spoken to -- a message for me and then blocking him. Her argument was that I had played the victim for 15 years, that I was hateful and didn't support her. She said that I was using my kids as leverage. She called me toxic and stated that she was disappointed I didn't make any efforts to know her kids. She also stated repeatedly that I had been talking badly about her to everyone during the last 15 years.
I am very confused at this point. I don't know what she's been told for 15 years about what I've said because no one has told me anything. If I am toxic, why would she want me to have a relationship with her kids?
I believe I'm doing the right thing by keeping my teenagers away from her because I know how she treated me throughout our childhood and young adult years. She is not a safe person.
My siblings, their spouses and kids all seem to love her and have great relationships with her. It feels like most of the time, though, that if I don't reach out to them, I don't hear from them at all.
I'm now questioning if I should remove my three siblings from my life, too, as it sounds like they have been telling her I'm saying things. They've also been completely complacent in her alienation of me. -- Confused in Kansas
( Read more... )
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